Da Wife…

My wife, who although I am profoundly lucky that she still puts up with me, admittedly often holds a place of honor in my various jokes and anecdotes. Love her as I might, her giving and trusting nature tends to make her the perfect foil for silly stories told to coworkers around the proverbial water cooler. This tale, as we endure the cold dark nights of winter is a classic of the style generally referred to as “Da Wife… As in Da Wife did this, or Da Wife did that. My father, God Rest his soul, used my mother in a similar manner for his stories, but referred to her as, “She who must be obeyed.” However, the effect is more or less the same.

This time, with Christmas over and the New Year barely beginning, Da Wife decided she would do something nice for us both and purchased an electric blanket through the internet, she then kept quiet about it for several weeks waiting for it to arrive. Tricky like a fox, she mentioned not a word, even as I pondered one day on how nice it would be to have such an extravagance…

“Honey, wouldn’t it be nice to have an Electric Blanket?” I said one particularly cold evening. This kind of item is a total luxury, but I was thinking of how nice it would be to climb into a toasty bed when the dark morning is painfully young and my poor feet seemed chilled like bottles of white wine. I mused about how nice it would be and how it might help what my father referred to as “The agony of da feet.” Even with such inviting hints and opportunities, she said nothing and bathed in the anticipation of the maroon bed time marvel.

The day it arrived, I was completely surprised. It takes a lot to put one over on me and I was suitably impressed, as well as eager for the night time treat… Around 1:30 in the morning (I work the swing shift), I forewent my usual bedtime soak in the hot tub and slipped quietly between the sheets. Hmmm, I thought, Not bad… Subtle but comforting. Maybe not as drastic as I might have hoped, but I thought, don’t be greedy. Just relax and enjoy what’s here. After a little while, I decided to turn it up a bit, just to see… From 2 to 4. As I drifted off to sleep, I was thinking, Boy this is taking a long time to heat up!

The next night however, I thought I’d go for the full experience. I snuck into the bedroom around 1:00 in the morning and pushed the preheat button, hoping for an effect like baking bread, or possibly the French fries on a cook’s shelf. Then, just to add a little overkill, I moved the heat from 4 to 8. When I finally slipped into bed around 2:00, being careful not to wake Da Wife, I was a little disappointed. There was still a subtle extra warmth to the bed, but it was mild, as if just a breath of summer had drifted over the bed.

The next day, I decided to take a nap before going off to the evening shift at the hospital. I often do this as it helps keep me alert as the night rolls along. So this time, I decided to give it the full treatment. At 10:30 in the morning I cranked the blanket up from 5 to 10 and pushed the preheat button, which is supposed to supercharge the thing, and then I did chores around the house for awhile, getting ready for the full over heated experience. When I finally hit the bed around 11:00, I can only say I was sorely disappointed. Not only was the bed not hot, it seemed even colder than on the first 2 tries. I did not sleep well, disappointment crept into my dreams and even the cats seemed to abandon me. That’s that, I thought. This thing must be defective, we’re sending it back.

When the alarm went off and I got up to go to work, the first thing I noticed was all the animals in the house, which consists of three dogs of varying sizes and all four house cats were seemingly glued to my wife’s side of the bed like so many tongues to a sled in the middle of a blizzard. The cats in particular were stretched out flat like flying squirrels, and when I got up, no one so much as budged. Usually when the master of the house rises, the dogs at least get up with me., always on the look out for a little scratch under the chin, or maybe a biscuit, they follow me around like a hyper excited circus parade. This time though it was like they had all melted into furry puddles on the bed.

I think… Hmmm… and stick one hand under the scruffy little wonder dog and it feels like he’s being baked for a pie. I stumble into the bathroom and take a look at the Electric Blanket Instructions and everything looks alright until I come to the place where it says… Be sure the label is facing out… So rather than tear the bedding off the bed, I give the wife a call… “What label?” she says. So I tell her I think the blanket might be upside down and we have the controls reversed, and she says, “Well that explains why I’ve been cooking to death for the past couple of nights!” Every night she sets the temperature at a nice reasonable level, and every night I sneak into the room and turn it up until she’s bathed in sweat and thinks she’s having premature hot flashes.

As they say… No good deed goes unpunished.

A nice sense of security

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Comments
One Response to “Da Wife…”
  1. Lisa says:

    A suitable story for Readers Digest !!

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